Dumb

I'm dumb and I mean that in the strict definition of the word. I'm just unable to speak sometimes except not because of some physical abnormality but rather that I'm just stupid sometimes and can't think of what to say.

Typically I have no problem speaking with the ladies. I, by all means, have no "A" game, it's more like a "C" game. I have sporadic success but mostly because I rarely have any interest beyond lust. It's not because I'm just looking for a lustful relationship but rather because I rarely find somebody I'm truly interested in. Also, when I don't care a lot, I'm not worried about screwing it up.

The problem is that when I do find someone that I'm truly interested in, my "C" game gets downgraded to near failure. I get nervous. I overthink. I worry. I blurt out inappropriate comments. Ok, I blurt out inappropriate comments no matter who I'm taking to so that's a bad example. The point is that I'm just never myself and that's obviously a bad thing to be.

Everyone's solution to this is always "well just stop caring" or "pretend to be a dick... girls love dicks" and the sad truth is that both remarks are probably right. When you don't care or rather relax and not worry about everything you do and every word you say your true self comes out. Unfortunately that's easier said than done and I haven't been able to master that skill.

This all came up because I've liked somebody since well about October. Over the past few months I've rarely seen her but recently I've been seeing her a lot. And, by a stroke of luck she'll be in town this summer.

But my conundrum has surfaced once again. When I see her I just become an idiot. I get nervous. I become worried. I stumble over my words. I have long awkward pauses. I say stupid things. I don't take any chances. But the worst of it is that I can't read her. I can't tell if she's interested or not. I can't decide if I should make a move or not. Of course, I think that is half of the problem... the trying to read her part. I'm too worried about trying to read her instead of being myself and enjoying the time. I should be just taking my shot and seeing how I do because it is better to try and fail than to not try at all. But, I'm just a wuss.

This was supposed to be cathartic but it wasn't. Oh well. Such is life.

Tags: Women, Dating, & I am dumb